I wish I could tell you that my truth got easier. Things typically get harder before they get easier. I realized I needed to see a doctor, which meant telling my mother.
Telling my mother I was raped was one of the hardest things I have done in my short life. I am only 19 years old.
There were so many thoughts running through my mind: Would she blame herself? Would she blame me? Would she tell my father? Would she cry?
I was so concerned with how she felt that I tried to spare her details. I didn’t tell her how I was so fucked up I don’t remember a single thing. I didn’t tell her how dirty I felt and how I felt like ripping my skin off. I didn’t tell her how I did blame myself regardless of every website saying it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t tell her about the cramps or that I was too scared to leave my room. I was in so much pain, but to shove all of my emotions into one phone call and force my mother to deal with it wasn’t fair. She sent her youngest child off to university and this child comes back with her innocence stripped and stolen by a coward.
I could barely breathe when she answered the phone because I knew her warm voice and love could easily disappear with three little words: I was raped. I cried because not only did I feel unsafe and violated, but after protecting me from the world for 19 years, the idea that I could no longer be protected broke my heart. It shattered my soul and made me feel farther from my mother than I had ever felt.
She told me it wasn’t my fault. My rebuttal included that I drank too much and I should have known better. She asked if I wanted to report it. I said no. She asked if I thought I was pregnant or had an STD. I was silent. I broke down because those thoughts hadn’t occurred to me. Did he use a condom? I’m on birth control but it isn’t 100% effective and birth control doesn’t protect against STDs.
The conversation was short with a lot of tears and guilt. I didn’t know who to go to or to tell. I felt alone and desperate for answers and affection. I felt like dying. I thought I would never be the same. I am currently still working on that.