Realizations

I told my friend Kyle about what Jordan had done.

I had known Kyle had a crush on me for a while and I thought he would say the right things. He made me feel protected and safe. He said how much he wanted to kill Jordan and how he thought about beating the shit out of him so Jordan could physically feel what I feel emotionally. All of this made me feel things for Kyle I never had before.

Kyle was far from my type but the way he wanted to help me and protect me meant so much to me. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was very vulnerable and disgusted by myself. I felt like Kyle didn’t care that I was raped he just wanted to be there for me.

I eventually came to the conclusion that Kyle was not for me; but, before realizing that fact, I had sex with him. I desperately wanted to feel pretty and Kyle always told me I was pretty. I was so insecure about my body that I needed someone to want me.

After it happened I immediately broke down and started hysterically crying. I didn’t want to feel that desperate nor did I want to rely on someone to make me feel good. Before Jordan, I was confident and was very selective about who I slept with. I asked if they were clean and I didn’t have casual sex. Kyle was the exception.

After Kyle and I had sex, I had sex with another guy that same night. While you can judge me and ask why I would want to have multiple partners after having been raped, I really could not tell you one reason that you would understand. I felt as though my body, which I had always cherished and was confident about had been violated and tainted. I felt like my skin was blemished by Jordan’s touch, burned with his saliva, and destroyed by his eyes. Every time I looked in the mirror, I would think of Jordan seeing and touching me while I was naked.

I thought I would feel normal if other boys saw what I used to see. After that, I couldn’t sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I felt like Jordan, Kyle, or any of my past partners just saw me as a body. A small body they could control and demean if they chose to.

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