So you’ve stumbled across this blog. This is not going to be light and heartfelt or an easy read. It is going to go through every detail of what happened to me.
I’ll give you some background though, all while using false names in order to protect my family, my friends, and myself.
I come from an affluent neighborhood in a place where bad things rarely happen, especially not to girls like me. I guess when I left my bubble for university, I didn’t realize how quickly things could change.
I started to have sex with more people, do more drugs, and became even more of a party girl. I thought I was fine. I thought nothing bad would ever happen to me. Isn’t that funny? You never think anything is going to happen to you. It is the most ironic and ridiculous thought in the world to think you could be so much better than everyone else to the point where nothing bad will ever happen to you.
I was wrong. Someone once said ‘the people closest to you can hurt you the most.’ How real this statement became was horrifying.
About a month before school was over, I was raped. No it wasn’t aggressive like in the movies or Law and Order:SVU. If you’ve never seen the music video ‘Till it happens to you’ by Lady Gaga, you should stop reading this and watch it.
Earlier in the night, I had bought a Xanax from my friend Jordan. He had always been a friend to me since I got to college and we were very friendly with each other. He had been with one of my girlfriends Taylor before so I had no reason not to trust him with girls.
As the night when on, I took half of the Xanax and drank a bottle of wine. Mixing wine and Xanax is blackout central. You don’t remember a single thing and you can barely speak. Occasionally I would do this just to let go and have more fun than usual.
Later in the night, I saw Jordan again and we were hanging out with a couple of friends. Jordan gave me another Xanax which I didn’t even want because I had never done more than half of one before. I can’t remember any of this so my friend who was there, Anna, told me. Anna told me that Jordan gave her and me each a half of Xanax and he walked me to Anna’s house alone.
At the time, I was on my period with a tampon in, unshaved, and not attracted to Jordan whatsoever. Anna came home to find me on her couch unconscious with my pants unbuttoned.
I slept for over 24 hours the next day. I didn’t know what happened to me until my friends Heather and Michelle asked me how Jordan was. They said they were worried because I was so fucked up the entire night that I could barely stand. I realized from that point on I had been taken advantage of.
I hate when people say “no means no.” While that is true, sometimes a person cannot verbalize the word no, so the other person thinks it is consensual. To me, a hard yes means yes. Everything else means no. Too much to drink means no. Crying means no. Not saying yes means no.